I couldn’t have timed this worse. My wife’s set of chores include the bathrooms and today, she cleaned both. Anyone want to guess when I got the urge to take a shit? Your choices:

1)Before she started

2)After she started

3)After she finished

4)Last night

If you said #2, you’d be correct. (#2.. when is it ever wrong?) I don’t even think I would have gone before she started – that would mean she’d have to clean up a fresh drop and the heavy set odor would hang over her like the end of the world is upon us. While I am known to stew brews for longer than is needed, this is not the case. And now… to undo all the good she just performed.

THUNDER LOG STRIKES. At least it was a solid dookie so there were no hot streaks to mess up what was once a clean bowl. The smell of fresh, spring scent, mixed with awful stench definitely would be hazardous to the elderly and small children. My ass feels emptied and I’m ready to meet the rest of my weekend – by sitting on my ass and playing videogames. Yay.

I just dropped a lovely loose pile of shit. It was solid, but barely. The sputtering from my asshole would make one thing that was I launching a conical spray all over the place, but not the case. Fair amount of shit though, but considering I had Taco Bell for lunch yesterday, I got off easy.

No, I think the culprit was 3 bottles of SPATEN beer. It’s pretty good and German too. And you know Germans love their poop. So clearly, it’s a beer that just rips your insides apart. God bless it.

I’m off today, so live, on the spot reporting will be coming from home base – Bowl Prime. And I also have new reading material today. D&D 4th edition handbook. Yessir, now I will be a weirdo who writes about his bowel movements AND plays D&D. But enough of this, I am leaking foul farts and if I don’t go soon, I will probably shit my pants. While interesting reading for you the viewer, I don’t want to have to clean up after myself.

What a nice frumpy dump. A shit is always better when you have the day off. A little loose but still formed, nice healthy pile of crap. The smell was something out of your worst nightmare, but when is it not? Easy cleanup though, good to see my butt doesn’t want me to work hard on my three day weekend.

Today here at work, it’s pretty slow. I did everything I needed to do in the morning, so now I have 3 hours to kill. I will definitely be milking this crap for all its worth.

Here we have a truly unique shit. Why? Because one turd looks like a fang and another one looks like a dick. Weird. All of it is pretty firm which is nice. Hopefully I can work my way to some steeltoed shits that are as profound and they are relaxinating. Light schmear in my ass, but that’s because I jiggled out a sizeable dingleberry that was just asking to get run over like roadkill.

I was coming into the bathroom today and as I was coming, this guy I see periodically was coming out. I remember him, not because he’s one of three guys on the fragrance side, but because he has the worst toupee I’ve ever seen. It’s horrendous. It looks a fluffy black cat perched onto his head, not quite obscuring the grey hair on the sides. It’s almost as big as a cat too. I bet he’s flushes to hide his farts and shit smells.

Back to me and my butt. I dropped a crowd pleaser, with some nice juicy squeaks and loud splashes on the water. Nice to see my poop is a lot firmer than it’s been. For as firm as it feels, the hot streaks and cleanup says otherwise.

Had to take this one at home. The majestic throne was occupied and there just wasn’t enough time to go even if he came out right when I last checked before I left for the day. Oh well. Another day, another dookie.

I definitely had to shit, but the amount of poop in the bowl didn’t feel like it felt. Mildly satisfying dump. Dropped a big load of shit and the last turd cleancut with a deep splash into the water below. Not much cleanup, but my farts before and after still kinda smell. I will continue to blame PF Changs.

What kind of person would leave explosival diarhettic skidmarks (meaning skidmarks on the inside walls of the bowl) and asshairs all over the throne? If you said c), the short Indian guy, you’d be correct.

Anyway. So PF Changs was quite good. Some of the best Americanized Chinese food around. I had the Mongolian Beef. Tasty.

The results are in: the bowl of rice on the side barely keep the ‘Chang’s turd together. Loose, but quite a piledriver in the center of the bowl. Intact but visibly soft. Rice works wonders, I tells ya. Not much of a smell, nor a cleanup.

And I better! My farts smell like the combined efforts of a diaper landfill and Fidel Castro’s colostomy bag. Absolutely horrible and going out to dinner with my side of the family and going to PF Changs are two reasons why I should evacuate post-haste. It just feels like just farts and no poop. I’ve been on the fence (which would hurt) about whether or not I really have to drop a stinkie. Can’t hurt to try, right?

For the lack of urgency, that was a metric ton of crap. I had a genuine look of surprise of my face when I sat down, had to go immediately and felt like someone had turned my anus into a Walmart on Black Friday morning but in reverse. Wow. If I wasn’t sure I had go now, later, I most definitely would be sure.  The pile was impressive, the smell was somehow worse than my farts and the cleanup makes Haiti look like Aruba. Wonderous.

Ok. Now this may seem odd in Great Country For America, but I had a big mac for the first time last night. Yeah, weird I know. It took until recent years for me to be a fan of diced onions that is the signature on a lot of McDs products and I never saw the need of getting one without them, especially because I can’t eat the lettuce. Feeling in a peckish mood, the Mrs had a craving for french fries so I went to the local McDonalds and ordered one for the hell of it. It was ok. Kinda dinky to be honest. Tasted all right. I have had the Mac wrap (remove bun, add wrap… Mac wrap) and liked it better. I think the bun kinda got in the way here.

And for your reading pleasure, the results of my first 100% ‘Merican McDump. It was firm… but soft. When I released, it came out and seemingly left a light scrapping sensation on my poop chute. Best way to describe it. Smelt horrible. It was like dog crap and plastic that smells really like plastic combined. Not very pleasant. Dingleberries dropped late and several. At least cleanup was minor. I’m crappin’ it!

When I go take my daily work dump, I will open the door and, with no one in the hallway, duck my head down to see if anyone is the big stall. Usually not but this time, the bathroom is in the middle of the building between the two sides of the company – flavor (where I work) and fragrance (which is easily 80% staffed by females). So it makes this bathroom rarely overpopulated which is nice.

However, this time, I saw the pair of sneakers of someone on the throne. Sneakers means the fragrance group, the ones who have no dress code and do no work. It’s a fucking hen house over there. I swear.

When I first checked, I heard him flush so I figured come back in a minute or two, he’ll be done. 10 minutes and 2 checks later, he’s finally washing his hands. You know, I’m meticulous with cleaning my asshole and I can do it in a quarter of the time.

Anyway, bitching aside, I sat down and the chocolate avalanche cascaded out of my anus. Soft logs flowed out like a freight train making a satisfying splurt on the water, combined with a nice wafting shit odor. Sloppy cleanup but an overall zen experience.

Lastly, this weekend I’ll be debuting a new feature on the ole Logger Log. Not sure what to call it but it’ll be about food products that give me “interesting” side effects relevant to the Log. If I had more than 4 readers, I’d put it to a vote but anyway, here’s the candidates for names for this feature:

Port’s Product Placement
Port’s Potent Poopables
Port’s Potential Poopstars

I’m leaning towards #2. As always. Ah ha.