So I have to ask… and I bring this up not because I want my cock sliced up like a banana but I was just talking to one on IRC who does… guys who become chicks… how do they poop without getting it into their, you know, “new hole”. I guess the same way chicks don’t have shit schmears all over their pussy lips, but still. What if a shit nugget pulled a 720° and lands in there and gets stuck. It’s a dead end. That shit is just going to fester. *shudder* Most poop doesn’t gross me out but artificial body cavities + dingleberries… yeah, that’s do it.

Back to people who don’t want to take a hacksaw to their wangs, I just took a jackhammer to my toilet bowl. Seriously, the brown sky opened up and out fell the crap. A whole lotta shit. Didn’t really smell, but 3 6″ers for sure. And my god, I musta smushed a dingleberry because I think I set a world record on TP consumption. Jesus.

#1 – Work. I don’t think I stopped moving all day. Forget being able to take a shit at work. I barely had enough time to take a piss

#2 – This shit. I’m down on the ground now. When it came out, it felt like it was going to tear my anus. It was just a giant foot long plus turd, cracked into two pieces, thanks to lots of wonderful knobby knobs pressed in. Goddamn. And for some reason, the poop smelled like shitty BBQ sauce. Nope, don’t want to know why.

I just took a trip on the U.S.S. Shitsteak. Hole-e fuck. That was a prizeworthy shit. Crap just kept ripping out of me at epic speeds. Even the peak of the crap pile stepped out of the water a bit. Not really that soft, just a lincoln log style tower of feces. Epic. I intended to be slightly functional today but now that’s completely gone. I am toast, folks.

And the smell! Jesus. Thank god the Mrs put a new can of Fabreze in the bathroom. That and the fan have its work cut out for them to work down one of the ripest odors I’ve ever cut. The wall of stench was almost unbearable.

Have you ever taken a shit before you take a shower, but you just feel gross and the act of taking a shit makes you feel worse? That’s me right now. I feel greasy and I feel dirty. Having shit slide (accent on the slide) out of my asshole did nothing to improve how I feel.

This shit was almost soft serve. The small bits and slivers of shit just mound up to a giant stack of crap. And the mudbutt! Oh dear lord.

As the smooth hiss of gas releases from my buttocks, it rings quite look a steam whistle, calling to end a work week that just would not die. Thank god, I can not wait to get out of here. I only hope next week is easier.

I sat here typing the above with a minor turtlehead poking out, not wanting to get on its way to Browntown. Lo and behold, someone sent a message to the conductor and the shit express came barrelling out of the terminal at the speed of sound. I’m just now hearing the after fart, it was so fast. The result? Two somewhat thin 9″ turds, curved just like a yin and yang.

Confucious say he who poops fastest cleans longest. And so it’s true as my anus is quite muddled with shit.

A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES: So this guy with ugly ass green pants sits down. I hear him nest a bit and he plops down. I’m finishes wiping so I listen. Nothing. I then get up. Nothing. As I’m bending down, the huge POP of a fart rips out, nearly knocking me off my feet. I have to contain my giggling as much as I can.

So I wait a second, more silence. I flush, wash my hands, get my coat. Silence. The silent shitter in the house?

Not so! I pull open the door and all I hear is the sound of mud being force ejected against porcelain. That’s right, he’s a timid shitter – he was waiting for me to leave but could barely contain himself. Pure awesome. Be proud of your poops! What’s with people today!?

Oh my god, can I get a second to contemplate and drop a fat one? My carpool driver had a flat when we went out to the car and now I have D&D tonight (update: which was canceled… after I got there). Grrr.

Time for a fast shit. Well, this shit has been brought to you by the letter C. As in a big c shaped turd. Bitchin.

EDIT: This post was saved to my phone and just posted now. #77 data error, double grr.

Oh holy shit. After the day I had, I needed that poop. Wow. When you actually say ‘Oh holy shit’ when you walk out of the bathroom, it’s quite possibly… a holy shit. To reinforce this, my poop underlined itself. Yes, there was a nice springtime stack of firm logs at the bottom of the shitter, but there was a stiff six inch log right below it. My poop was trying to tell me something – this means something. I can imagine Richard Dreyfuss sitting on the throne saying the same thing.

Well, maybe it doesn’t. Who knows. I do know that that evacuation was long overdue. Everyone’s favorite Log Log costar, the cunt from downstairs, pulled her right before I leave bullshit yet again and I had to clench cheeks. I need to take a crap on her desk. I really do. Hopefully it’ll smell like this one did too. Very roasted. Awesome.

In my mighty throneroom, the smaller bowl was beligerred by an epic clog of TP and shit. It happens, that’s life (without fiber). So I plop down on my throne and shit away. Soon after, the cleaning guy comes in. He’s a nice guy, decent grasp of English, calls me a different name (today, I was Don) each time he sees me and has gold teeth.

So my gold encrusted friend enters the stall next to me and let’s out a quiet “oh god”. Yep, someone has to do it and he was it. The plunger is in my stall so soon after I hear him say ‘Hey buddy…”. Out of instinct, I pass it under and he goes to town.

He certainly showed that fucker who’s boss. A couple fierce thrusts and epic splashes later, the sound of a disinfectant can signals victory. Well done, gladiator.

Moving on, things you might not believe about your old pal Port: Beans don’t make me gassy. Of all the things not to, it’d be beans. In case you wonder why I bring this up, it’s because I had chili for dinner last night. Even without gas, this poop was pretty loose. Gets me thinking that it’s been some time since I had a BM that gave my anus rugburn. At least the cleanup and smell have been minor, quite like those tall redwoods gave me in the past.

Sometimes you feel like you don’t even know your own ass from anything else. I had to shit, pretty bad mind you, so I sit down and let my anus give birth unto the world. What came out felt like a gummy worm, jiggly and soft. What I saw in the bowl was a firm rod of a turd, sitting straight up waiting to say hello. How could I get that wrong? It’s been 30 years, you think you know somebody and then… you don’t.

I wanted to drop this at work. Then, it probably would have been soft as it felt. But you know, same shit. Busy busy, no time for poopy poopy. I demand a national poop break! If the fucking smokers can go outside to crank a butt for 10 minutes 4 times a day, I can take 20-30 minutes to marinate on the bowl and drop a fat log. And hey, at least I’m not choking myself to death! More like the fucking opposite. Now I know how the slaves felt.

Well, not really. I’ve just had the past 4 days off thanks to snow. So it feels like the end of something great. But the alternative means I don’t have the shovel now all the fucking time. Can I say that I have almost felt like I’d rather be at work than shoveling all this god forsaken snow?! And the worst part is… it’s lightly snowing right now. Nature has quite the insane sense of humor.

Wow! What a poop. While the release was quite spastic, big small big small big small big, the end result makes me so not want to go out and shovel more fucking snow. It’s napper crapper time folks. Goddamn. The pile of dung was made up of round golf ball sized turds, accented with a nice 6″ log in the center. Kind of like a ice cream sundae made out of poop. But I don’t think I’ve smelt ice cream that reeked this bad. Oof, it was like grilled beef and shit.