Been a while since I’ve had a shit like this. Rabbit turds of varying sizes, even one turd close to the size of a baby rabbit. Yessir, clean cutting and minor cleanup. However, in true Port fashion, the smell was noxious. My wife had to jump in the bathroom to get something and her face could only be described as the look of someone who ate thirty lemons in one sitting. Can’t blame her, it’s my brand, not hers and well, it was pretty rank.

I think the catalyst for this poop was the bison burger I had for dinner two nights ago. Every time we have those, my colon slowly but surely gets stiff as a board and outputs some real pavement crackers. And it tastes good too!

The burgers. Not poop.

God. What the fuck. I think it was the chicken tacos. Their chicken is marinated in some brine that just shreds me. But damn, baja gorditas are A fucking plus.

Clam fries make their return under a brown haze of stench. My anus hurts now. At least the wipe was on the low side, but I’m sure my already chaffed underlegs will contribute to dry asshole by tomorrow morning. Groan.

Who’s up for another round of ‘Guess who had Taco Bell for lunch?’. I know I am.

Taco Bell really is hit or miss with my colon. Well, more like hit or mess. The rumblin’ from down underin’ was pretty fierce so I dropped one, even this late at night. Had to. Between the farts and the slight chance I’ll shit the bed (literally), I was not going to spend the whole night in my bed otherwise. It was loose. Basically, the poop from earlier today plus… Taco Bell. What can I say? Poop + Taco Bell = Softer Poop, therefore Taco Bell = Softer. By that theory, Taco Bell makes a great laxative. I’m sure a lot of people would agree on that theorum.

Few shits are better than ones on days off. Not weekends per se, but days you should be at work and aren’t. And when you’re not sick. Yeah. Even if the shit was marginal like this one was, it’s still better than av average dumper at work.

Have I ever mentioned how I wish I was rich and able to make my career into pooping? Port, Pooper Technologist. Now that’s a title I can be proud of.

Speaking of pooping, this doodie was not that great. Loose pile of turds staked. The only point of note was the overwhelming stench of everyone’s favorite, poopcorn. The farts last night hinted in that direction and the dump confirmed. Hopefully now I won’t blast my poor wife away when she gets home from work.

You know, work. Which I’m not at. Fuck me, I need like 11 weeks vacation.

EDIT: Wow. So I closed the bathroom door and didn’t spray. Figured that’d be sufficient. Until I walked past the door and found the smell seeping out. Yikes. Time to spray, apparently.

Some pretty wicked cramps leading up to this. This shirt is tight and was not helping things.

So as expected, it just dropped out. Exactly like the Cosby kids in grade school at 2:59, waiting for the bell to ring to start summer vacation. The bell rings and out they stampede, right to their favorite swimming pool.

A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES

The silent shitter returns! I even delayed my flush to hear the tiniest of farts with no luck. In and out in half the time too Come on man, savor it.

Aaaand I’m back. It was a one day show and mostly a waste of time. Yes, let’s send four people to do the job of two. That’s smart. Whatever.

So here I am, back home at 9pm, only to have to return to work in 10 hours. Greeeeat. Love it. I want to go to bed, but the farts I have been dropped have been repulsive. I dragged a heater from the kitchen to the office and it was so bad, I had to grab the can of spray and cover my tracks before the smell got to my wife. It was that bad. So a pooper was in order. Didn’t want to. Had to.

You know that theory about air pressure and flying compacting your poop? Ignore it. Not true. Throw it out the window. Let’s just say that air pressure cannot overcome the diet that you undertake while traveling. It’s mostly always not good. And because of it, my ass just leaked. Still somewhat formed but an amorphous blob in the end. It was either the food or the gas from the food that disrupted the tender turd network into mush. Wiping was hazardous for both me and anyone in a ten foot radius. Good night folks.

I report to you today not from my work bowl or my home bowl, but from a bowl in “lovely” Rochestor, NY. Why am I here? A small trade show for work. Exciting, right? Of course it is. This doesn’t happen to often for me – that’s one advantage of my job, traveling is extremely limited and, well, traveling sucks. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I basically spent 6 months in Atlanta for my first job and that was when I was single so it was tolerable not having any real commitments. Not to mention, hotel bowls are usually not as comfortable as home bowls. They are usually the oval shaped, long style seats that accomodate every kind of fat ass imaginable. For normal shaped folks, you feel a little weird with 20% of the bowl jutting out from between your legs. It’s basically a public toilet with less asses hitting it daily but many different asses hitting it yearly. I would definitely say it gets more a variety of pooping butts than my work throne. And not just any pooping butts, but asses from all over America and whatever ass juice and hair crust they bring with them.

Ok, let’s change the subject. My poop! Right, I pooped. Anyway, it was thankfully timber. Some hard logs that dropped out quick and clean. About a foot of shit in total. I think flying and the air pressure compacts your doodie down better, and not to mention it was the catalyst for the ANNIHILATOR and DEVASTATOR, two haloed logs that I think I will recount on the one year anniversary of the Log Log coming up in a month. Sounds good? Good.

The seven dwarves got nothin’ on Poopy, their bastard child second cousin.

So I slept 12 hours last night. Doesn’t happen often, let me tell you. Now you’d think 12 hours laid out would allow my colon to compact my feces into a rock hard ball of glass breaking amazingness, but no. This was almost a brown death drop. Soft and liquidy, it fell out with the quickness. The pile was average sized, but had volume. Avergae mess to clean up, thankfully. Wonder why it didn’t firm up. All I had to eat yesterday was a bagel, pasta and… oh. The 7-11 Cheeseburger Big Bite.

Nevermind. 12 days worth of sleep wouldn’t make a bowel movement after that hard and firm. No wonder I blocked that from my memory, I couldn’t even finish half of it. As my wife accurately described it, it looked like you took a hot dog and let it roll around in the dirt for a month and then served it. Yeah. And I bought it! Standards. I have none.

Apparently my wife jammed a potato peeler down by throat, because I just pooped one out. Such an odd shape. Very thin but wide at the top and then a thick shit handle on the bottom. Almost to scale too for a real potato peeler. Some small other turds on the side, but this was the only one of any distinction.

This was the kind of shit I needed tonight because I feel so lazy right now. Quick, low cleanup and no odor so I don’t have to spray. I closed the bathroom door just in case.

Having two chefs at work could be one of the worst things that could have happened to me. They are so good at what they do and I just eat stuff that just punishes me later.

Case in point, Joe made buffalo smoked cheddar mac and cheese for lunch. It’s so heavy and loaded that I can feel the explosive ass just churning in my colon.

And that’s why Im here earlier than usual. Gotta clean out the basement before it floods.

My gas yesterday evening was vile so it’s a good thing Im crapping now. Another night like that and I’m sleeping outside tonight. Speaking of doo doo, several tent poles come together to form a nicely sized log pile not unlike the pile of wood that makes a campfire. Pretty big movement, I must say.

Now, to replace that nice form dookie with liquid ass magma. Yay for being a glutton for punishment.