Sometimes you feel like you don’t even know your own ass from anything else. I had to shit, pretty bad mind you, so I sit down and let my anus give birth unto the world. What came out felt like a gummy worm, jiggly and soft. What I saw in the bowl was a firm rod of a turd, sitting straight up waiting to say hello. How could I get that wrong? It’s been 30 years, you think you know somebody and then… you don’t.

I wanted to drop this at work. Then, it probably would have been soft as it felt. But you know, same shit. Busy busy, no time for poopy poopy. I demand a national poop break! If the fucking smokers can go outside to crank a butt for 10 minutes 4 times a day, I can take 20-30 minutes to marinate on the bowl and drop a fat log. And hey, at least I’m not choking myself to death! More like the fucking opposite. Now I know how the slaves felt.