As the smooth hiss of gas releases from my buttocks, it rings quite look a steam whistle, calling to end a work week that just would not die. Thank god, I can not wait to get out of here. I only hope next week is easier.

I sat here typing the above with a minor turtlehead poking out, not wanting to get on its way to Browntown. Lo and behold, someone sent a message to the conductor and the shit express came barrelling out of the terminal at the speed of sound. I’m just now hearing the after fart, it was so fast. The result? Two somewhat thin 9″ turds, curved just like a yin and yang.

Confucious say he who poops fastest cleans longest. And so it’s true as my anus is quite muddled with shit.

A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES: So this guy with ugly ass green pants sits down. I hear him nest a bit and he plops down. I’m finishes wiping so I listen. Nothing. I then get up. Nothing. As I’m bending down, the huge POP of a fart rips out, nearly knocking me off my feet. I have to contain my giggling as much as I can.

So I wait a second, more silence. I flush, wash my hands, get my coat. Silence. The silent shitter in the house?

Not so! I pull open the door and all I hear is the sound of mud being force ejected against porcelain. That’s right, he’s a timid shitter – he was waiting for me to leave but could barely contain himself. Pure awesome. Be proud of your poops! What’s with people today!?