Apparently my wife jammed a potato peeler down by throat, because I just pooped one out. Such an odd shape. Very thin but wide at the top and then a thick shit handle on the bottom. Almost to scale too for a real potato peeler. Some small other turds on the side, but this was the only one of any distinction.

This was the kind of shit I needed tonight because I feel so lazy right now. Quick, low cleanup and no odor so I don’t have to spray. I closed the bathroom door just in case.

Having two chefs at work could be one of the worst things that could have happened to me. They are so good at what they do and I just eat stuff that just punishes me later.

Case in point, Joe made buffalo smoked cheddar mac and cheese for lunch. It’s so heavy and loaded that I can feel the explosive ass just churning in my colon.

And that’s why Im here earlier than usual. Gotta clean out the basement before it floods.

My gas yesterday evening was vile so it’s a good thing Im crapping now. Another night like that and I’m sleeping outside tonight. Speaking of doo doo, several tent poles come together to form a nicely sized log pile not unlike the pile of wood that makes a campfire. Pretty big movement, I must say.

Now, to replace that nice form dookie with liquid ass magma. Yay for being a glutton for punishment.

It’s one of those days. Just kind of blah. Nothing interesting to say except to talk about my poop. So I will. At least this one was big and brown. Several nice turds of various sizes, one easily 7 inches. Not as satisfying as one would hope as it feels quite shitty in there right now. Big ole dingleberry clinging for life mite than likely. Im so bored that ill try and drop by strength of sphincter… No luck. Time to dig for some brown gold.

The building has been absolutely awful today. The cheap asses downstairs cut the ac hardcore the second it got cooler. Meanwhile the building warms up and retains heat like a motherfucker. By the time anyone complains, the place is like a sauna. Thankfully it’s started to cool down a bit but only in a few places. So the lab is nice and cool but the desk area is boiling. Awful.

Lucky for me, thy mighty throne is tolerable. I’d hate to go home clenching the fat one I just dropped.

Fat AND long. This one broke and crossbarred for easily fifteen inches. A beautiful thing. Dry as a bone and a light odor to compliment. I know I’ll go home happy.

So it seems forever since I sat on the king throne here at work. Not really, as it’s more a function of a three day weekend but still feels like some time.

Just had a visit from another old friend, Mr. Loose Shits. Yeah, this old timer stopped in to lay down some brown law. So far, just one big dump to speak of. Thankfully not as messy as last night, woof. I doubt Ive taken a dump that sloppy since I was in diapers.

Finally, in log log news, I got a new phone last week and this is its maiden voyage in log blogging. Congrats Droid X, you are officially a man now.

There can only be one title for this post.

So I sit down on the royal throne and drop a seemingly normal crap. Averages size, a few 3-4″ turds, light smell. The end. Right.

Wrong. The phone rings. It’s most likely my wife so she’ll call my cell next and then get worried about me, not to mention she had to make a stop which may require my assistance over the phone. So I do a flick wipe, jam some TP in between my asscheeks and hold it in place as I waddle to the office and answer the phone.

“I was pooping.”

“8am to 12pm? Who the fuck has hours like that?”

“Well, take the number and I’ll deal with it later, I’m pooping.”

*click*

So I waddle back and remove the wad. I figure everything is nice and dandy to continue maxing and relaxing until I get a whiff of my hand. Why does it smell look poop. I guess it was stinky one and lingOH GODDAMNIT. I had some shit on my finger. So I get up, clench my cheeks and wash the hell out of my hands. Ew ew ew.

Once that was taken care of, I sit back down and read. My ass feels gross (this coming from the Log Logist talking to you). So I finish an article and start wiping. My asscheeks are coated. Wall to wall doo doo. I audibly groan and get to work.

In the end, it took two flushes to get the TP down (not a clog, just one flush for poop & TP that went down with ease, then a second TP load that went down with ease). I had to wetnap 5 TP folds to get it clean to my standards. I was not happy.

New rule. When my wife gets home, I will tell her when I’m on the can, I will not pick up. Do not worry, just assume I am dropping a big brown bear in the swamp.

Ah weekend, why do you have go and leave me here with weekday, your shitty, boring cousin.

An unusual sight in the bowl – a single thick turd, long and healthy with a twitch upwards that resembles the schnoz of a the wicked witch of the west. When she says “I’ll get you my pretties”, she really means “I’ll give you cramps, poopy pants.”. Then yes, that would be accurate to the character. Big ole’ dingleberry on first wipe, bigger than Toto. Otherwise, not that exciting, but that’s how this weekend went anyhow.

I would just like everyone to know that 75% of the food I’ve eaten this week. We had a major meat processor in our lab this week and let’s just say we made a lot of chicken. And had a lot of extra chicken. So I ate a lot of chicken. Whoop.

That aside, this poop didn’t suffer because of it. Didn’t enhance it either. Let’s just say it was nondescript. Well, descript on the paper but not the poop itself or the smell. You know what I mean. Here’s where you say “I don’t know what you mean and you’re fucking weird.”. Yep. True on both accounts.

Ugh. The cramps hit hard and I had to go. Some piddling calm fries sit alone at the bottom of the can. Meh. Let’s hope this is it for the day. The poopchute is starting to get a might scorched.

A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES: Wow, been a while since I’ve had a partner in poopy crime here. Wait, what the fuck, he’s wiping already? Jesus, no farts, no grunts, he just sits down and immediately goes for the TP. I’ve taken longer pisses to be perfectly honest. Wow. Sad. I didn’t know 10 Second Tim’s faster brother worked here…

Jesus H. That came out of nowhere. I’m helping Donna with a computer and BAM, the urge rushes in like gangbusters. I just barely fix her issue and run to the throne. This will not wait. As I’m getting my wetnap, 5 loud, sharp farts leak out – each one hotter than the next. I sit down and my butt asks me one question:

Would you like a large bowl of soft serve?

This dark brown pile peaked the water and it was out of me in mere seconds. What a relief but I am defeated for the day. And to make me wonder what the fuck I ate that did this to me more, the pile sank and some floaters rose to the top. Usually, the floaters start off at the top and sink. Very weird. I barely had enough energy to wipe, which thankfully was quick and easy.

And now I have postpardem cramps. Just fucking great.